The Eternal Body Collected photography by Ruth Bernhard Played by: Molly E. Holzschlag
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Game I Core Wave: "The primary distinction between inside and outside." |
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Bernhard's women are idyllic--bodies slender and perfect in shape and proportion. While drawn to Bernhard's scientific study of how natural light touches the female body, I also feel envy at the perfection of the universe's artistry in these faceless forms. That envy touches off issues of dissatisfaction with my own body--something I believe is very widespread for both women and men. "The Eternal Body" challenges me to look at physical ideals, examine where my own beliefs about beauty begin, and where they end. I am moved to experience a deeper sense of beauty and sensuality.
Deeper I gained weight after a series of surgeries and hormonal chemotherapies that saved my life but altered my metabolism significantly. While never skinny, I was well into my twenties before I experienced ever being overweight. And, while even by North American standards I am not fat, I am certainly not what is considered the ideal female form. Does this make me unbeautiful? I struggle with this, even though intellectually and spiritually I know the answer is that indeed I am beautiful. "So what if my hips are round?" I have written. "They are soft for the touching. So what if my belly is heavy?" I have sung. "It is filled with nourishment." Sometimes I think that my mind is so angular that my body's softness is the expression of my heart and spirit in physical manifestation. I love myself, and I admire my body, which has endured and survived what might have easily killed others.
What occurs next is arousal. It is not the nudity of this woman, per se. It is the memory of another aspect of my being--the part of me that loves women as an expression of universal/god/goddess expression. Am I aroused because I am turned on by a memory of myself? Or because I'm supposed to be aroused by nudity? Or are the reasons more elusive? I am reminded that there was once a nude drawing of me by a lover, done when we were both 19. A boyfriend stole the drawing years ago. I wonder where it is today. I wonder where those people are today. They are lost in time, just like aspects of my body--moments of perfection before a lifetime of scars and illness changed it, and me, forever. What do you think of your body? Is it a disappointment? A friend? A microcosmic part of a bigger, mystical macrocosm. Or is a body sometimes just a body?
-- Molly E. Holzschlag
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